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Author Topic: How Do I Deal With Husband's Mean Condescending Attitude About My Hair  (Read 576 times)  Share 

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Caution! Rant with salty language!

My husband (13years) hates my haircolor, black crown and black around the hairline, white in the middle (kind of a peekaboo effect). I looooove it. It was so hard to get the white! I worked really hard to get here and I've always wanted to try white!

But he never misses an opportunity to make nasty, condescending or rude comments about it. He tells me it straight-up looks terrible. He also alleges that I purposely colored my hair this way to p!ss him off. He says, "So you just don't give a s**t at all about how I feel?" and "What I want doesn't matter to you?" But he says these things in this horrible malicious, accusatory tone. I ask, "Does it matter that I love my hair this way?" The answer is always just the same circle of insults and guilt-tripping. As if how I feel about my own hair truly should not factor in at all.

Also, I was thinking about trying a cut I've never tried. I was really excited to get a cute medium-length bob, I found a really nice salon nearby and one of the stylists there has a great portfolio on Instagram. I've never gone to a nice salon for a haircut! I was stoked! I showed husband a picture of the cut I'd like and he reacted as if I was getting my head shaved bald and d*cks tattooed all over it. Again, more accusations of not caring about him, how what HE wants doesn't matter to me. "Are you trying to make yourself as unappealing to me as possible?" Those are the exact words he used. (am I to understand that my hair was the only thing appealing about me?)

Now I'm just like "F**k it." All the wind has been taken out of my sails. I give up on a new cut. I'll just go back to $10 trims with no style to them at some crappy national chain again.

Is there anyone who can help me to understand how I am the a$$hole here? I just don't see it. If I am truly the horribly unreasonable and selfish person he is making me out to be, can someone explain it to me??? I don't feel like I'm doing anything that should warrant such a vehement reaction. Am I wrong???

It's not like I did a bad job on the color and botched it! I've been dying my own hair for 23 years and I know what a bad dye job looks like. This is not it. It's bright, consistent silver-white. It looks Good. If it didn't I would have dyed over it!

I know I seem super defensive right out of the gate, but I am very very open to more perspective on this. I neeed some different perspectives from somebody who doesn't have a dog in this fight! Any advice is greatly appreciated! Thank you for reading my rant!
 

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For what it's worth, I think it looks great! :) (well, what I can see of it)

Is this kind of colour a new thing for you? Is he not used to you having what might be considered an alternative style?

My instant reaction is, "what a d**k!". But I don't know anything about your lives, how other parts of your marriage are, so I have to reign that right back in for the time being and just try and work why he's reacting like this. I think he's utterly wrong and you should be able to do what you like, but that's because that's the way my relationship is. I wear what I want and do my hair exactly how I want and my partner does what and wears what he likes. I think this is unusual though and maybe others need some compromise? Still, that really annoys me!
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Wow, I'm so sorry but he sounds like a really horrible person. Hair is just hair and it's your hair so do what you want!x
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What he wants and likes is totally up to him. As is what you want and like. And as this is your hair and, as you say, you'd hope he thought a little more of you than just a walking hairdo, then it's up to you what you do with it and precisely eff all to do with him.

He's quite welcome to do what he like with his hair, but not yours.
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you'd hope he thought a little more of you than just a walking hairdo

This always confuses me too. But then I don't get tinder. All that judging people on a small section of what they are, it's always the personality I fall for.
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I mean even I, the queen of the superficial, don't care what my boyfriend does with his hair!
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I do think you see a stronger reaction when it's men with women who "suddenly" go from long hair to wanting shorter hair (I do find attraction to long hair strange myself, it's just dead tissue when you think about it!) and "suddenly" go for alt colours. I've never been able to decide if it's a lack of attraction to that style or embarrassment of standing out and being "different". Either way it's bad.
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Obviously he's a d*** for being so mean about it, but I wouldn't be too happy if my boyfriend suddenly went all alternative either. Now, he's the kind of guy who wears worker's jeans every day and buzzes his head occasionally and that's pretty much it, so it would've been quite the difference if he decided to dye his hair purple or something.

Like it or not, appearance matters, and if he's not into the way you look there isn't much to do about it - except changing your style, which I totally understand that you don't want to. The bullying is absurd though. If he's got such a big problem with it, he should talk to you about it like an adult instead of acting like a petty child about it.
 
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Is this kind of colour a new thing for you? Is he not used to you having what might be considered an alternative style?


No, I had bright magenta for 6 years prior to the white and blue for 8 years before that! I've been using alternative colors on my hair for 23 years! This is not a new thing.

As for our relationship, we run a business together and I do let him have control over pretty much everything (path of least resistance, pick your battles, live to fight another day, blah blah relationship memes...) so maybe this one thing he can't get his absolute way with overrides any shred of reasonable thought on the matter. Just a guess. I don't know.
 

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It does seem kinda odd that this is affecting him in such a negative way, especially since you've had alt colors before. I find that when my wife fixates on something tiny like this, that 9 times out of 10 there is something else going on that's truly bothering her. Obviously I'm not a shrink and I haven't been married as long as you have, but in my opinion I would try and see if there is something else irritating him, maybe something is going on internally with him and he is just taking it out on your hair, which looks great btw. I hope everything calms down for you and that he can just learn to love your hair as much as he loves the rest of you!!
life is too short to have boring hair...
 
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I mean even I, the queen of the superficial, don't care what my boyfriend does with his hair!

He has always had a shaved head. One thing he thought was gonna work to get me to dye it the way he wants it, was to ask me (not really ask, but demand) how I would feel if he grew out what was left of his hair, which isn't much. I told him that if growing out his hair made him happy, then that's all that matters to me. This answer seemed to shock him. He also acted as if he did not believe me.
 

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I find that when my wife fixates on something tiny like this, that 9 times out of 10 there is something else going on that's truly bothering her.

Yeah, this.

I'm a little concerned with the fact you say it's pretty much all his way. I've seen it so many times before and it does end up ugly. Normally when one person finally puts their foot down for something they feel strongly about or when the person who basically never gets their way gets sick of it and ends the relationship. One of each case has happened to a couple of couple friends of mine recently. One couple is set to divorce now because he feels he never did anything he wanted to do, it was all about her. He was right, but it's also his fault for always doing what she wanted in the name of "path of least resistance, pick your battles, live to fight another day, blah blah relationship memes".

My mum and brother both did the same. My brother just passed away and I've discovered he had completely horrendous debt, partly because of his partner living off of him for much of their relationship. My mum just lives in misery part of the time because she's ended up living in a part of Britain she really dislikes living in (it's beautiful, but if you don't like that way of life it's torture during winter especially) because she takes the path of least resistance and doesn't want an argument.

While I don't think it's all doom and gloom and maybe you have the best marriage otherwise, it might be worth taking stock and really looking hard at what's happening and ways to tackle it. The future could take a turn you don't expect and you end up stuck in a place (literal and/or metaphorical) you loathe.

Seeing as an alt look isn't a new thing in the relationship... I kinda think you need to tell him to like it or lump it, but to shut up because he's behaving like a child. But talk to him and find out if it's not something else first!
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Firstly I'd like to say I think your hair looks lovely! It looks really well done and interesting.

Secondly, I think I'm hyper sensitive to these things as I was in a very controlling relationship myself for years, but the way your husband is dealing with this sounds super unhealthy to me. It's just not ok for him to speak to you like that (especially over something as trivial as hair!). The bit about you 'trying to be unappealing' particularly rings alarm bells to me, it doesn't sound like he's trying awfully hard for his attitude to be appealing to you! The stuff you say about your business too, it sounds a lot like he has issues with control (but these are usually the hardest issues to get somebody to address as facing up to them is often seen as relinquishing control!). Well done for sticking to your guns on this, it can be easy for someone to convince you that you're in the wrong in these situations!

I think there's a subtle difference between hinting that you're not keen on something (I prefer my OH to have a beard coz I think it suits his face shape better so I often joke about his 'weak jawline' but he doesn't think I suit a fringe and jokes about my 'face in a box' hair cuts but at the end of the day we never fall out over any of it coz it's just aesthetics and if our relationship was based on that then we wouldn't have lasted past the weight we both put on or seeing each other when we're ill or whatever!)
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I agree Lauralei, there is nothing but love when you have to take care of a sick partner! My wife had her appendix out a couple years ago and she was an absolute bear the whole time (we still joke about it), but even though she was snippy with me, I still love her, lol. Its all about give and take, it just sounds like this guy is taking a whole lot more than he is giving!
life is too short to have boring hair...
 
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Wow.  Tell him to wind his f**king neck in!

(/helpful)

Sounds to me like there are deeper issues here.
 
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I had a husband who had that same mindset.   I don't know how to explain that mentality nor do I agree with it. But I'd call it old fashioned I suppose.  They seem to have a vision in their head of what's beautiful and what's acceptable. For men like that it's typically long and flowing hair in natural colours.  As though the gorgeous woman on his arm wakes up looking like that and his friends should be envious.    At the time I was married I went along with keeping my hair long and staying thin ( that was a big issue too).  In the end I still wasn't good enough and to make a long story short I divorced him.
 
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Aye, part of the reason I struggle with my weight so much now is from wrecking my metabolism with diet pills and a bad attitude towards food from trying to be the 'perfect' woman for my ex. You can never really be enough for someone who wants you to completely adhere to their idea of what you should be, and it chips away at you a little every time you try to be by doing something you don't really want.
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Girl, reading this made me so sad. That is one abusive relationship. He's humiliating you, that's not love, it's sick and disturbing.

You're better than that. Leave that piece of s**t.
 
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I cant really help as i've never been in this position. My partner of 9 years and I always have the same thoughts about my hair. But I can tell you that your hair looks amazing from the pictures I've seen. Dont listen to him and do what makes you feel good about yourself. To be healthy, physically but most importantly mentally, you should think about yourself first. I say get your shorter cut too if that is what you want. In the end, if you dont like it, your hair will grow back.
My partner had a beard for a while which I didnt like at all as its too prickly on my skin and his face looked too round and I did tell him that but i didnt force him to change it just because I didnt like it.
 
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Just seen you've changed your photo to show your hair more clearly - I think it's absolutely stunning!
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I agree, that an awesome effect you've got there!
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